I'm not very good at living for the day. I'm constantly planning for something whether it is the next day or 10 yrs from now. Along with this I feel like I need to achieve everything now at this very minute. I think I do this because I can't predict my health an hour from now, a day, or a year from now. It drives me crazy because what if I could do that something now while I am semi-healthy and I don't. The opportunity may come again but I'll be too sick to do it and the opportunity will never come a second time. most people don't have to face the fact that they may not be able to walk in the future or hold a real job. They plan for marriage and kids and some day a fun retirement. I plan for knee and hip replacements. I worry how having kids may destroy my body even more. I worry of being in a wheelchair again. I'm only 21 yrs old and this is what I must worry about. It's all been catching up to me lately and I'm trying to remember to just live for the day.
Living in the moment for me began to be difficult when for months I would be held up on the couch unable to play with my younger sister or attend school and see my classmates. My life was exactly like the groundhog's day movie and sometimes still is. Planning or imaging the future was my only escape. My life in the future is so much exciting than the present. I have done this for 12 years now and it's almost like an addiction. When I can't plan or am unorganized about something I must do I get anxious and feel uncomfortable. How do I change this? Do I want to change this?
Being a psych major has been exciting because not only do I understand others more but I'm beginning to understand me as well. It's scary but exciting at the same time. I don't know what the future will bring for me but I know what I want. I think if I can mix a bit of what I want with the flow of life I can create a good combination. I guess I just need to sit back a little bit and not try to control everything in my life so much. So lets see how that works!!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
People really don't understand how painfull it is!
To no one and everyone,
Havent gootten much read on my blogs but I don't care. this is my place to vent and i can say what I want. Last night I watched the show intervention. On it was a 23 year old woman that had rheumatoid arthritis and had become addicted to pain pills not because she wanted to get high but because she didnt want to feel pain. The family could only see an addict and until a counselor opened their eyes. it was then that they saw someone trying to not feel physical pain. This is a big problem with people. No one truly understands how painful this disease is. Those of us with it tend to look "normal". So of course nothing is wrong right. I have to say I appreciated this documentary so much. I got to look at someone that had the same fingers as me. Someone who walked so slow that struggled with every inch of movement. I got to see someone else struggle with the lift of a car handle and with shutting the car door. I got to see me. Every movement was all the same movements i have done just to move. This documentary helped me to remeber how strong I am and how strong I have been in the past. From anyone who might watch the show I hope it gives more insight into rheumatoid arthritis and how severe it can be. It's not pain that needs to be faked, its there so don't call us fakers. It's a;so a pain that can have us wishing for death. Don't pity us or feel bad for us. Understand us and that will make all the difference in the world!!
Havent gootten much read on my blogs but I don't care. this is my place to vent and i can say what I want. Last night I watched the show intervention. On it was a 23 year old woman that had rheumatoid arthritis and had become addicted to pain pills not because she wanted to get high but because she didnt want to feel pain. The family could only see an addict and until a counselor opened their eyes. it was then that they saw someone trying to not feel physical pain. This is a big problem with people. No one truly understands how painful this disease is. Those of us with it tend to look "normal". So of course nothing is wrong right. I have to say I appreciated this documentary so much. I got to look at someone that had the same fingers as me. Someone who walked so slow that struggled with every inch of movement. I got to see someone else struggle with the lift of a car handle and with shutting the car door. I got to see me. Every movement was all the same movements i have done just to move. This documentary helped me to remeber how strong I am and how strong I have been in the past. From anyone who might watch the show I hope it gives more insight into rheumatoid arthritis and how severe it can be. It's not pain that needs to be faked, its there so don't call us fakers. It's a;so a pain that can have us wishing for death. Don't pity us or feel bad for us. Understand us and that will make all the difference in the world!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
